Lost And Found

             

I didnt have a childhood, there wasn't much time to grieve for that either as I stepped effortlessly into oblivion followed shortly by my first of 3 children.  I had to grow up really quickly although I was emotionally  lacking, no time to mourn, no time to process anything I had earned and learned from the streets of brutality that had constantly battered me upside down and back again.  I would remember though from time to time, or, I'd call it forced remembrance.  Yes, the type where it would take you by surprise and you could sleep the bitter after effects of for years and barely remember a thing again until the next time you found your self confronted.

A vicious cycle has already been re perpetuated when violation takes place.  I mean an abuser has normally been abused and I wonder, does "he" choose to do it again?  I mean what was "done" to him?  Does "he"?  Does "he" make the decision to violate your very life force so that "he" can ejaculate venom that will hold you stiff with fear that you will endure to relinquish for life?  I wonder.  I always knew it was wrong, even if at times it felt so right.

What happens to him?  Does "he" take my fear on with him to his next  "victim" like sodden prey?   Does "he" ever ever think of "me" , soul tarnished?  "Me", who left with my scarred soul screaming to be recognised but forced to learn to recognise my own self.  No.  "He" never did.

Lifetime upon lifetime it has taken "me" to find myself, discover worth, release and bury deep pain once uncovered and dusted off.  Tears upon tears I cried, for no matter how much I loved mine, I passed something of "him" on to mine.  My babies like scattered petals blown away in the storm who in the aftermath like "me" will choose to master life using tools to build a sense of tenacity against lifetimes of procrastination no more.

I've grown even if worn like an old Souljah battle wounded, healed through from victim to triumphant victor.  Mine, my own who at last, through me will bask in this glory because of sheer determination, I have handed them this empowerment via glory.  Come in "mine", sit down, get comfortable as I prepare to tell you my story of lost and found.