Loving My Little Gyal
Codependency is a real bitch if you don't recognise its sense of no self esteem. If you're pouring your oil into a fire and not realising you will get burnt, you're gonna catch a hell to pay.
I love my children with my life. I believe I have probably wanted them to succeed in life more than I've been willing to live my own life. Today, I stand here with no children to care for on a full time basis (youngest is returning soon), except the one inside my self. The core, the root of who I am, the only child I clearly didn't pay enough attention to - "Wendy" my inner, little me.
Wendy is a name I happily acquired as a child of immigrant West Afrikan parents who came to the UK in the early 1960s. Our parents chose names for their 2 sets of twins that honoured their ancestral heritages but unfortunately, weren't honoured by the culture they chose to raise us in. Thus, it has taken me years to deeply understand, acknowledge & resonate with knowing how important it is to be connected with Wendy who I rejected as she was the anglicised version of my name I used to "cover up" and now I acknowledge that by not connecting, I lose out on taking the roots of self love & care deeper within my soul for a deeper knowing & intimacy with my self, my truest nature.
Nurturing this love has to become a reality for me as I've been somewhat of a rescuer, a people pleaser all of my life. Thus there is always the tendency to play the martyr, the role of victim. I don't need it anymore.
I've been in so many situations, found myself in circumstances, facing consequences where I have compromised my self for the sake of others & the end result is that I end up totally frustrated and often angry and drive that pain of despair and disappointment right back deep inside of myself!
To honour my little girl, I don't want that for myself anymore. We deserve better.
After 33 years of existing with codependency and codependent habits, I have definitely managed to see, hear and feel the light, shining from the inside out. I have taken the lead and stepped out on a road where the depth of my healing has taken a more intense form of recovery. Moving up so that I can move on. Whatever it takes to nurture and celebrate my inner child, I'm willing to explore it. Right now I'm in a space where I'm just willing to observe who I am and discover what my needs are and I crave intimacy with myself thus, my little "Wendy." Sometimes it's a bumpy ride.
Intimacy starts within. It's funny how you can wake up close to someone you share an intimate relationship with, claim to love them and don't even know what direction you're headed in regarding career or any other necessary path etc. My new perspective is I cannot feel good about you, love you; be respectful toward you; care about your well being; or take care of you effectively if I'm not feeling those ingredients intrinsically from within myself. It is my responsibility to do this for myself and not rely on another to do this for me.
So I'm going to keep on at nurturing my lost childhood by playing with my little Gyal! The word intimacy was broken down for me many years ago whilst reading something by Iyanla Vanzant or some or another author. "intimacy..." = "..in-to-me-see..".
You get that? Got it??
Embrace it, wear it well, taste it, play with it, whatever you do, work your hardest to make intimacy emanate from within, thus it's what you will magnetise from within your environment!
Have fun!
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