Letting Go And Moving Forwards

I am a mother to 3 fantastic children who are my world absolutely.  Although I come from a huge Afrikan family, I had the most minimal assistance even though I pleaded with them to help me and was promised I would never be left alone, unfortunately talk was very cheap.  Being a lone parent bought lots of unwarranted activity from others who I guess felt the need to batter me with their own negative projections and I became a scapegoat.  Fortunately for me, childhood had taught me some harsh lessons all too quickly and I was burdened with responsibility from a very young age; plus I was born fighting leaving my mother's womb, so I appreciate now looking back, that I was very well equipped.

I wasn't equipped however , for after 31 years of motherhood for the vast void of emptiness I would experience with the "empty nest syndrome".  Nothing in life before had prepared me for the grief that I was to encounter & have faced this past few years.  Coupled with all this is that my youngest born in 2000, was born with Down Syndrome which was a blow that I had not expected and as soon as he was born along came many conditions that are often associated with this condition; heart defect, severe respiratory problems, seizures that fast escalated into epilepsy, eczema and asthma, sleep aponea.  I slept with one eye open for the first 3 years or so as my little one experienced too many life threatening experiences including meningitis sceptacemia, his first surgical procedure at 17 months old, the first of many many more to follow.  I soon quit asking God "why me?" as I was instructed that "why not" and after all my son (SUNSHINE) had chosen me, his mother a true warrior to come through and be guided on his very purposed journey.

Thirteen years on, my son is in the care of the local authority, who refuse to give him back.  I asked them for help and they took things into their own hands and as I am one of those annoying parents who speaks out for her kids & especially my youngest who is non verbal, I guess they felt they need to teach me a lesson after years of me fighting and winning to improve the care package that you don't get if you don't fight for it.

Anyway let me digress no further, and reiterate how challenging it has been just to be me without my kids, my world.  I have likened myself at times to depictions you see of lionesses in the wild safeguarding their cubs with their lives and daring with the wild glint in their eyes any predator human or whatever to try it!  I fought hard for my kids, left, right and centre and we experienced lots of bumps and bruises along the way and most of them due to the fact that I was a little girl raising babies alone after a very troubled and challenging childhood.  I fought seriously to do my best and looking at my children today I am pleased.  I mean I was not strung out completely on any hardcore drugs or alcohol, but I had an addiction that kept resurfacing and of course looking back now I can see how it was responsible for lots of erratic choices, still, I did my best to face front and keep it moving.  I may be in debt, but all 3 of my children have travelled abroad because of my desire to broaden their horizons and my own.  My 2 eldest had several opportunities to spend 3 months in west Afrika once with me and once with family as well as opportunities to see Europe and North America.

This has resulted in 3 of my children being very ambitous.  The 2 elder in the sense that they love travel;  one has actually emigrated and the other looks as if he may go the same way as they felt that there are not as many prospects and career opportunities here in Britain.  The youngest ones ambition and determination comes in that he is still alive today and is the "miracle child" an elder had described he would be when he was still in my womb and I had no idea!!

So what does letting go and moving forward mean to me now?  I believe almost all of the heart breaking experiences I have had and am still currently experiencing in and out of court for a year now fighting to get my son back, are enabling me to let go because just this past year both my youngest son have had to deal with so much grief being apart, although I still have unsupervised contact twice weekly.  At times I have felt so hardened and bitter that the only way to deal with these emotions was to let go of everything even my addiction to marijuana that I guess helped to numb me down and has been an addiction that had filled a void from young adulthood, off and on.

Today, I still wake up crying for my youngest, but I am now very aware and acknowledge that by holding on to grief, my youngest who is highly perceptive is also directly affected.  I pray, practice yoga and meditate and have done for most of my adult life, however; I have had wonderful opportunities to step up my practice and elevate my often sorrowful soul.  I rely more heavily on my spiritual practice today more than ever, especially as is usual in a crisis, I have learned who my friends really are and yes even my 2 eldest children who are not yet parents have shown little empathy at times.  I have also relished the opportunity to move even closer to my Goddess energy that had always instructed me as a young mum, even if I never always heeded her call being too busy being a mother with not enough energy at times to mother and nurture myself.

Today, I smile because my Higher Self has taken charge and I am letting her take the lead to assist in fighting my battles, as my own inner strength and non religous faith guide me and lead me to Higher Ground.

Menopausal Blues??? Hell No!! Just Getting Started!!

The above depiction is of a natural rock formation  found at a sacred site in the Southern Californian desertat a site that was used for initiation ceremoniesfor the girls & women of the indigenous  Kemeyaay tribe. http://www.love3point0.com/2010/10/yoni-gallery/

Ok so yea those who like me in the room who love EASTENDERS, what a crock of crap this past week with the middle aged  Carol Jackson's pathetic storyline of 'the menopause' rotflmffao!  I knew as soon as they started building this  story where they were heading.  Hmmm...!  and now, 3 episodes or so in we see her sooooo happy about the menopause cos Masooooooood still "wants" her in her old age!   First off for the foolish and those or any of you thinking that sex gets old with age, Huh!   It only gets that way if u aint got no CREATIVITY.  If ya aint got no SHAKTI IN YA TANTRA I feel sorry for you!
Me?  I WILL DIE THE ETERNAL WHORE   I must admit though, that 3 years back when he was still around he was getting particularly on my nerves, me & a few of my favourite Gyals all of us wives (circa late early 90s to just recently - iwillalwaysloveyous - ) were sitting at my kitchen table killing ourselves laughing about how we were changing & how we felt AFFECTED by the guys in our beds.  Sniff!  Yea anyway,  Im just trying to say that that was the beginning of what is best described as Men I pause;  it's  on hold after being on tap for a little while.
Some of us will always love to feel love, man o pause or not.
We never ever hear of men's sexuality declining with age, in fact very little until quite recently has been published.  Why is it that as soon as a woman reaches middle age, all the talk is about how past it we are regards sex, or the other extreme is that we are "cougars"?  Why is it such a taboo to discuss male sexuality which actually declines in general often before they reach middle age?   And why is it that women's sexuality is very often not celebrated by society & very little is spoken of or referred to how women generally  peak later than men and for much longer? And why is it never discussed, respectfully, how many men are indeed attracted sexually as well as every other way to older women who are confident in themselves?
I have none of the answers, but we do know how powerful the media is and how it works hand in hand to police society, to assist world governments and oppression in all its forms and the powerful ways in which the media assists consumerism.  Women's sexuality is subject to the media, which is subject to the politics of world governance.   If women knew about their sacred creativity & Shakti power, the world would be a much more harmonious egalitarian place to live in and we know that is NOT what the elite want to expose as war is big money and supports patriarchy.
Thus, the men o pause, is a really great opportunity for women to go within & take time out from the demands of society & its dictation & if you've been in a long term relationship, with a loving, patient partner, then perhaps taking time out to rediscover intimacy without all the demands of sexual intercourse.
Happy, deliriously happy, menopause to you.  Celebrate the oncoming of the inner Crone. Discover the power of yoga & meditation if you haven't already.   Save some of your menstrual blood, keep it in the freezer or rub some on objects that are sacred to you and if you have not already explored & discovered the powers of menstrual blood go and do some research!  I wish you peace and love.
POWER TO THE PUSSY & MAY YOU KEEP YOURS FOREVER FAITHFUL!

Travel Light! Solitary Route!

I really don't do groups; I mean I'm not a clique person.  I don't fit comfortably in groups, people don't follow me in groups either.  I am a loner.  I used to spend a lot of time growing up thinking that perhaps something is wrong with me; I'm not enough this or that...too much this or that etc.  Many of the choices I've made in life have found me travelling a very solitary route.
Then I started the process of acceptance of who I am or am not.  I am finding and learning  peace from this perspective.
I figure that when we leave this earth we're taking our baggage WITH US (yea that's right!!!), so perhaps it's a really good thing for me.  I project that I will be ascending anyway so it better be light.

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't always feel rosy travelling solo, yet at the same time, it's less noise and I get plenty of opportunity to heed any knowledge that may have greater access to filtering through.  At the same time too, travel light can also have an ego centred perspective as sometimes it can get a little too me, myself and I.   For me meditation helps massively here as I get the chance to ground EVERYTHING!  I am then guided to whatever is priority whether it's ego stuff or service.

I am mostly happy with the state of things and I'm not embarrassed at all to say I do enjoy my own company.  I am however, embarrassed to say that I often laugh by myself at my own jokes  ( honestly, at times hysterically!!! ).

I had my first Astro natal chart done over half my lifetime ago, and followed it up again more recently over the past few year.  It is my passport to how I use my energies or not.  For example, how I commune with my inner & upper selves too.   I know now that the elements are a core essential part of what we have to work with and navigate through whatever storms we weather.  The elements are used also, to share and extend, to work with and to encourage the heights , triumphs, love and bliss.

I've got some huge karmic stuff I've come to work through in this lifetime.   I know this from my 12th house, the house of the collective conscious, the house of the ancestors,  where I have some huge planets and responsibilities to myself development and because of what was suppressed mainly regarding female ancestry on a cultural level going back many lifetimes.   Yep!!!   I gotta lot of shit to shovel & a stelium ( I think that's what it's called will ask my astro tutor again) where you have the same sign occurring like a full house in one house!!

So that I am a loner makes really POSITIVE sense to me.  I am learning to WORK IT!!!

Long Distance Love Or Fear Of Intimacy?

For the past few weeks, I had been involved with a long distance relationship.  As with many relationships, it started off with me feeling giddy & in love!   However, not much time passed before I realised that it was more like infatuation.  I was definitely in love with the idea of being in love, but It was more about feeling connected.  In this situation , sadly I wasn't.  Not because I didn't want to be either.  I personally feel that long distance relationships are an excuse to opt out of intimacy, that's not to say that they can't work for some, just not myself.   I put it to my said loved one, that I felt there was a fear of intimacy and he disputed that by hitting back that it was me that was insecure.  I looked at that for a minute but rejected it.  If I was so insecure, why am I so wanting more than long distance love?
Anyway it became obvious to me, that the guy was more in love with the idea of being in love than actually connecting with it. Why?  We would text each other regularly, and I noticed that it seemed as if he wasn't reading mine.   It started to seem as if he felt that all he had to do was post "I love you.." or "I miss you...", for there to be some kind of connection...NOT!  I kept wondering if like he said I was looking for an excuse to opt out, but I wasn't, I think he was and I think he has been as I was not his first long distance relationship.  Anything wrong with this picture?  No if that's what one wants & yearns for, you know, love that you can put in a box and take it out to dust it down from time to time.  I aint looking for that type of love, long distance or not!
I have ended it, as there was not enough potential for it to be anything other than infatuation.  I mean I am not going to be relocating any time soon and I am not going to hold on to the I love you's etc, as frankly it didn't feel real.
What has my heart learnt from this situation?  That I can move on from here and let go of an even bigger heartbreak that is my broken marriage and find peace.  Goodbye to the dream that is long distance love.  Hello to the reality of potential intimacy.

At Last! At Last!

It's been a long time coming, yet nothing comes before its time.  I have been itching to explore any creative ideas i have; literary writing skill I may still possess, or anything that will allow me to express myself, stimulate my mind and get stuff published and expand my awareness of current affairs & moral issues. I would say that I interpret most experiences in my world from a quite a philosophical perspective and I have often been described as "spiritual".  I've had a passion for esoterics for as long as I remember.  It started with a sense of not being alone and that was huge for me as a child, as even as a twin I often felt isolated as well as from my peers,
I feel like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards  doing the rather stressful job of mothering for almost 31 years to the day, & how I'm still standing may very well be something that I use to reflect on at times when I'm writing;  but this is not the blog of middle aged mother either.  Far from it.
This blog is my space to learn & earn says my eternal teacher, my inner guide.
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Very ambitious and lacking a strong parental influence, I learnt most things the very hard way, so I give thanks for my resilience, sense of humour & mostly down to earth approach to survival. I definitely know I am a survivor and its one of the energies I've honed into a talent with a capital T! However, I'm working towards the breakthrough, the times of not just mere survival, but triumph. I feel it's in my midst now easily within reach. I have come to learn that we can use everything that resonates within the universe. We can build up and tear down; we can maintain or abstain.
Should I write some kind of objective for my blog?  No, just that I would like to appeal to diversity but reflect where it is I come from.  I want to test myself & be challenged, yet I am extremely opinionated & stubborn at the same time. I know a little but I have learnt a lot, have been a good critic as I've lived politically determined & socialised from within the margin.  I guess that I will need to work with patience whilst maintaining this blog as there is also the chance that it may fall flat on it's face (not quite).  If it does, I am willing to accept that as constructive & reinvent.
I have just finished talking to one of my few buddies on social network who advised me not to let the inner critic in,  just GO FOR IT!!!   So here I am, often described as the "diamond in the rough.."  "inspirational", "loud mouthed & crazy.."  "healer.."  "wounded healer...", "witch.."  "obeah woman.." "ritualist..."  "salt of the earth..." , "muse.."  (I like that one the best).  "Teacher..."  "big mouth.."  "agressive..."  too this or too that.
This is a journey to assist everything I ever tried to do as a LONE PARENT born to a HUGE culture & family, but as the proverbial "black sheep.." I was out on a limb!!!
Who the hell am I?  I'm gonna use this blogg to package & sell it as I'm also quite the entreupeneur...NOT a "Jack of all trades, master of none..."
Rhetorical Spirits...?  Hmmm...My door's open.  There is not ONE specific path, but many, many roads well travelled, let's get to stepping!

Peace & Love.

Welcome To My World..

Finally, I have arrived here in blog-cyber-space.. 

Watch this space and get ready for the journey of a lifetime, into my weird and wonderful world..! Just a threshold away.