I wasn't equipped however , for after 31 years of motherhood for the vast void of emptiness I would experience with the "empty nest syndrome". Nothing in life before had prepared me for the grief that I was to encounter & have faced this past few years. Coupled with all this is that my youngest born in 2000, was born with Down Syndrome which was a blow that I had not expected and as soon as he was born along came many conditions that are often associated with this condition; heart defect, severe respiratory problems, seizures that fast escalated into epilepsy, eczema and asthma, sleep aponea. I slept with one eye open for the first 3 years or so as my little one experienced too many life threatening experiences including meningitis sceptacemia, his first surgical procedure at 17 months old, the first of many many more to follow. I soon quit asking God "why me?" as I was instructed that "why not" and after all my son (SUNSHINE) had chosen me, his mother a true warrior to come through and be guided on his very purposed journey.
Thirteen years on, my son is in the care of the local authority, who refuse to give him back. I asked them for help and they took things into their own hands and as I am one of those annoying parents who speaks out for her kids & especially my youngest who is non verbal, I guess they felt they need to teach me a lesson after years of me fighting and winning to improve the care package that you don't get if you don't fight for it.
Anyway let me digress no further, and reiterate how challenging it has been just to be me without my kids, my world. I have likened myself at times to depictions you see of lionesses in the wild safeguarding their cubs with their lives and daring with the wild glint in their eyes any predator human or whatever to try it! I fought hard for my kids, left, right and centre and we experienced lots of bumps and bruises along the way and most of them due to the fact that I was a little girl raising babies alone after a very troubled and challenging childhood. I fought seriously to do my best and looking at my children today I am pleased. I mean I was not strung out completely on any hardcore drugs or alcohol, but I had an addiction that kept resurfacing and of course looking back now I can see how it was responsible for lots of erratic choices, still, I did my best to face front and keep it moving. I may be in debt, but all 3 of my children have travelled abroad because of my desire to broaden their horizons and my own. My 2 eldest had several opportunities to spend 3 months in west Afrika once with me and once with family as well as opportunities to see Europe and North America.
This has resulted in 3 of my children being very ambitous. The 2 elder in the sense that they love travel; one has actually emigrated and the other looks as if he may go the same way as they felt that there are not as many prospects and career opportunities here in Britain. The youngest ones ambition and determination comes in that he is still alive today and is the "miracle child" an elder had described he would be when he was still in my womb and I had no idea!!
So what does letting go and moving forward mean to me now? I believe almost all of the heart breaking experiences I have had and am still currently experiencing in and out of court for a year now fighting to get my son back, are enabling me to let go because just this past year both my youngest son have had to deal with so much grief being apart, although I still have unsupervised contact twice weekly. At times I have felt so hardened and bitter that the only way to deal with these emotions was to let go of everything even my addiction to marijuana that I guess helped to numb me down and has been an addiction that had filled a void from young adulthood, off and on.
Today, I still wake up crying for my youngest, but I am now very aware and acknowledge that by holding on to grief, my youngest who is highly perceptive is also directly affected. I pray, practice yoga and meditate and have done for most of my adult life, however; I have had wonderful opportunities to step up my practice and elevate my often sorrowful soul. I rely more heavily on my spiritual practice today more than ever, especially as is usual in a crisis, I have learned who my friends really are and yes even my 2 eldest children who are not yet parents have shown little empathy at times. I have also relished the opportunity to move even closer to my Goddess energy that had always instructed me as a young mum, even if I never always heeded her call being too busy being a mother with not enough energy at times to mother and nurture myself.
Today, I smile because my Higher Self has taken charge and I am letting her take the lead to assist in fighting my battles, as my own inner strength and non religous faith guide me and lead me to Higher Ground.
